Wrestling with Vulnerability

Dear Friends,

I came upon this piece that I wrote a few years ago and was surprised by where the thoughts and reflections landed. It brought me to a different destination this year. I share it honoring the ways Torah brings us to the same place and to a different place as it guides us through the seasons.

Our journey with Jacob continues.

This week, in preparation for meeting his brother,

Jacob spent the night alone by the river,

And all through the night he wrestled.

He wrestled with his words and actions.

He wrestled with who he had been

And who he might become.

He wrestled until he was able to tell the truth about himself

And say: I am Jacob,

Vulnerable and afraid.

I have spent my life grasping.

I need a blessing, I need help to go on.

In this season of long nights,

I too wrestle.

I wrestle with choices made, decisions lived into,

And all that has been left undone.

I wrestle with fears, hopes, vulnerabilities and regrets.

There are times I cannot get the mind to cease the fight, even for a moment.

What if I could let the vulnerability and fear be

And not try to wrestle it away?

What if I could ease some of the grasping for control?

The risk feels great,

Though it is not really clear to me what I am risking.

In the moments when I can stop bullying myself,

Demanding an end to vulnerability, sadness and fear,

It seems a stone is rolled off the heart

And a wellspring of rachamim/compassion is revealed.

And it becomes clear, that rachamim is sacred medicine

For the tender heart and vulnerable soul.

To touch rachamim and drink from its well

Is its own long journey.

For strange and mysterious reasons

Even when it shows itself

The wellspring of compassion can feel impossible to reach.

After a long night, as the first rays of dawn began to appear,

Jacob named the makom, the place of his wrestling,

Peni’el, the face of God,

Because he saw the Divine face to face

And his own being was set free. (Gen 32:31)

Jacob walked away from this makom limping,

His wounds revealed.

I pray for the willingness to allow vulnerability.

And for the strength to seek compassion

And drink fully from this infinite well.

I pray for a courageous softening that allows me to see the place

Of wrestling and struggle,

Vulnerability and fear,

Wounds, blessings and truths

As, Peni’el, the face of God.

May we walk together with courage and strength,

Our wounds revealed, our vulnerabilities honored.

Love and Blessings,

Rabbi Yael