Wrestling through the Night

Dear Friends,
As our journey with Jacob continues
We watch how in preparation for meeting his brother Esau
He spent the night alone by the river
Wrestling.

In the watery darkness,
I can imagine Jacob wrestling with
Who he had become through choice and circumstance
And who he might yet come to be.
I imagine him wrestling with fear, shame,
Love and faith.

As dawn approached
Jacob would not stop wrestling.
He refused to let go
Until he could find a blessing in the conflict and pain.

I am Jacob, he shouted into the Mystery
I am vulnerable and afraid.
I have spent my life grasping,
I have avoided truth.
I need help to go on.

Jacob was answered
By being given an additional name,
One that might help him
Meet the Divine in struggle,
In devotion, in vulnerability
And in the truth of all that is.

I too am wrestling in the watery darkness.
I am wrestling with what to say and how to be
As so much of what I love and value
Is denigrated, threatened, shattered.
I am wrestling with feelings of sorrow, helplessness and despair,
I am wrestling with raging fury that refuses to let go.

When I can pause,
Take some slow, deep breaths
And feel myself in relationship with earth, trees,
Sky and water
Sometimes there is a shift,
A stone rolled off the heart
A wellspring of rachamim, compassion, revealed.

Rachamim, wide, expansive,
Fierce and strong,
Helps me hold sorrow with love
And keep the fires of rage from
Causing undue harm.

After the long night of wrestling,
Jacob encountered his brother
And bowing said to him,
Seeing your face is like seeing the face of God.
Gen. 33:10

I pray to wrestle for the sake of blessing,
To contend for the highest good.
I pray to find strength in vulnerability
And not become hostage to fury and rage.

May rachamim be the face we see in darkness.
May rachamim strengthen and sustain us
As we rise and meet the dawn.

With love and blessing,
Rabbi Yael